Category: life

As an adult, I have been in the position of trying to help a parent understand that “this needs to be done.”

For me, it was my father after he had a triple by-pass, followed by an above the knee amputation of his leg. For months after the heart surgery, he was convinced he was going back to his 2nd story apartment. Even after the leg amputation, no matter how many times we told him it wasn’t possible, he still talked about moving back. He couldn’t walk five feet on his new leg, never mind up a flight of stairs. And driving his truck was out of the question. In hindsight, well, I don’t want to talk about hindsight, because it’s been years and in the long run, he was safe and happy at his assisted living.

This isn’t about where he was, this is about what he allowed us to do for him. I don’t mean “allowed” in a passive aggressive way, but, in a “this man, understood the assignment” way. He allowed us to take over financial control of his money. My sister had her name put on his checking account, and we brought in an attorney and had a will, living will, and durable power of attorney completed. We jumped through all the hoops to enable both of us to talk to Medicare about his claims. When he passed away ten years later, there were no hang ups to getting any bills paid. Now, he didn’t have anything of note, so it was fairly simple but the other day at the bank, I witnessed something that I think all adults, especially adult children, need to think about and figure out how to address it with their parents.

A 93 year-old-woman in a wheelchair was in the bank with her adult daughter talking to one of the representatives. Don’t accuse me of eavesdropping because they were right there in the open! The daughter and bank person were trying to get the mother to understand why she should sign paperwork to put her daughter’s name on the accounts. She was just not having it! “Why is this necessary”, she asked. “I have a will”. They tried to explain that it wouldn’t be until after her estate is settled that the money would be distributed and there would be funeral expenses and bills that would continue to arrive. She didn’t seem to care and then the daughter asked, “you expect me to have to pay them all, and I don’t want to do that.” She had a point.

The mother wanted to “think about it”, at which point the daughter said, “you’re really going to make me have to bring you back here again?”, which made me think it had been a chore to get her and her wheelchair from her home, in the car, to the bank, and in and out again. I did it with a father with one leg and let me tell you, after I went from an SUV, where I could get my knee under his butt to hoist him up, to a sedan, where it was impossible for him to drop into the seat and get back out again, there were no more car rides.

They couldn’t take the paperwork with them to be signed and returned (although if it was notarized maybe by someone the bank approved of, I don’t know why not), so the only option was sign now, or come back after the mother had time to think about it. Unfortunately, that was sometimes what we had to do: suggest something to our dad, he’d say “No”, we’d wait a few days, and he’d suggest the same thing we had presented like it was his idea all along. Maybe that was what needed to happen in this situation as well.

What it all boils down to is, Talk! Talk to your parent(s) if they are dealing with any sort of health issues that might prevent them from taking care of their finances. Talk to your children if you want to make sure they know what to do in the event of your health issues. Talk to your spouse if you, like me, are the one who takes care of all the bills and checking. Talk before you get to that bank appointment and save everyone the time of trying to “convince” someone that this should be done for your and their benefit.